I wouldn’t have made a good caveman.

I remember in one of my first history lessons, at my Balham primary school, seeing pictures of cavemen.   I lived in a centrally heated flat, so that gaping hole at the entrance to the cave would have simply prompted cold after cold for me.  Remember, they didn’t have Lemsip in Stone Age times.

Before Tesco started in the Neander Valley, food was mostly obtained by slaying woolly mammoths.  (Imagine the Green Shield stamps you’d have got with one of those?)

Once slayed, you’d soon get tired of variations on the same meal day after day: Roast mammoth; cold mammoth; cold mammoth sandwiches; mammoth curry.  The job to have would have been spear-maker or owner of the local flint factory, such was the ever-present need to ward off hunger.

I can only assume no one ever got told off for drawing on the walls.  Everyone was very capable, it seems, of drawing bison, but precious little else.  The day after fire was invented, the health & safety officer was appointed.

If you were the local outfitter you’d have asked if the mammoth suit was to be three-piece or not?  And did you want the design to be houndstooth or sabretooth?

Of course, you didn’t need a coat in the summer months.  It was warm 2.6 million years ago; this was when outdoor badminton was invented and Health & Efficiency first published.

Roast coelacanth anyone?