Nearly 200-years ago, Victor Frankenstein was in his German laboratory creating life; fifty-years ago, I was in the kitchen of my Nan’s Balham flat hoping to create something more powerful than Anthrax.

I never owned a “My First Chemistry Set”, so my science knowledge was purely self-taught.

I would be allowed to use anything spare in my Nan’s kitchen, as I created my “experiment”.  Having been given an old milk bottle and after I’d half-filled it with water, I’d add some Bird’s Custard and some pre-Boer war curry powder, and then venture next door to the secret supply of 19^th Century medicines, hidden behind my Nan’s cistern.

After several spoonsful of sulphur, there was Andrew’s Liver Salts to be included – gave my concoction some added fizz as my Nan tended to not have much Moët lying around; Timothy White’s Lavatory Cleanser – safety first was always a priority, and a sprinkling of Instant Robin Starch – give it a bit of body – not unlike Victor Frankenstein.

However, the piece de resistance was Senakot – as if the other combined ingredients weren’t going to make you regular enough!

Once my experiment was complete, I needed a willing patient.  My great Aunt lived next door and, because she smoked forty Embassy before she’d had breakfast, had precious little sense of smell.  She was a good sport and pretended to drink some of it; my punishment was to count her Embassy tokens later that week.

With 99.9% of my efforts still intact, we would sell it, in Balham Market, as a deterrent for foxes; something to ward off vampires or a carpet cleaner if you didn’t like your existing carpet.