I had the remains of an ME109 in my bedroom once; although this sounds like a quote from a cab driver, it is the result of my first (and only) attempt to construct an Airfix model.

As a child I’d go to tea with other kids and invariably see the Battle of Britain being fought out on their ceilings. I was very envious of this and decided I’d have a go.  I’d start slowly and build up – I could, with one plane, re-enact Rudolf Hess’s lone flight to Scotland – on my ceiling!

Off to the model shop in Tooting Bec I went and procured an Airfix model kit of an ME109.  I told the shopkeeper I was a direct descendant of Willy Messerschmidt and asked for a discount.  With the Cold War still raging, this wasn’t bright, so set off home, together with my over-priced miniature plane.

Half an hour later I realised how tricky it was getting glue off carpet; and hands; and gerbils! The glue went everywhere except on the crucial hinge bits of the ME109.  Half hour after that, with many pieces of balsa wood having been scattered to the four corners of my bedroom, it looked like Kenneth More and Robert Shaw had been in personally and destroyed it.

I never attempted to construct another model. I did keep the bits of balsa wood on the walls, carpet and various rodents with the vain hope of winning the Turner Prize; sadly, Tracey Emin had thought of this first!